Send In The Clowns
[This is a blast from the past, June 25th 2009 to be exact. Found it lying around on my computer. - HAC]
What on earth is it with Republican politicians? I hate to say this, but they're getting even worse than Democrats in restraining their bizarre and often perverted lusts.
Okay, granted, the Dems are no slouches in the sexual sleaze department. They've got the patron saint of prostitutes, former New York governor Elliot Spitzer; Dick "Toe-Sucker" Morris; the drunken porcine Teddy Kennedy and his problems with bodies of women and bodies of water; and of course the monarch and exemplar of all middle-aged fat boys on spring break, Bill Clinton.
But now the Republicans have Mark Foley and his homoerotic text messages to young Congressional page boys; Rudy Giuliani in drag as well as his Caligula-esque private life; Newt Gingrich and his multiple white trash divorces; Larry "Twinkle-Toes" Craig doing a homo tap dance in the Minneapolis airport men's room, and now this moron Sanford in South Carolina flying off at taxpayer's expense to do it gaucho-style with some babe in Argentina. I mean, jeez, are there no hookers or sluts left in Columbia?
"South Carolina GOP Gov. Mark Sanford admitted Wednesday to an affair and resigned his position as chair of the Republican Governor's Association following a strange week in which the governor dropped off the grid and could not be located. Later in the day, Sanford's wife Jenny released a statement saying the couple had begun a trial separation two weeks ago
“I have been unfaithful to my wife. I developed a relationship with what started out as a dear, dear friend from Argentina," Mark Sanford said in a rambling and often emotional news conference at the state capital in Columbia." (God, he must have been boiled as an owl.) “I’m a bottom line kind of guy I’m just gonna lay it out." (Uh, Governor, would you like to rephrase that?) "It’s gonna hurt and I’m going to let the chips fall where they may,” said Sanford, often touted as a potential 2012 presidential hopeful. Sanford apologized to his wife and his four children. (Oh, well, that makes it all right, then.) “To Jenny, anybody who has observed her over the last 20 years of my life knows how closely she has stood by my side in campaign, after campaign, after campaign,” he said. “I’ve let down a lot of people, and that’s the bottom line,” he said.
“What I did was wrong, period,” he said. “I spent the last five days crying in Argentina.” (I can hear the Daily Show's rendition of Don't Cry for Me Argentina now.)
Beautiful. Just effin' beautiful. At the most crucial point in this country's history for two generations, when we are on the verge of actual neo-Marxist, socialist dictatorship headed by an African savage, our opposition party is run by a bunch of overgrown frat boys who can't keep it in their pants. It is becoming increasingly difficult to avoid the impression that we deserve everything we're about to get.