Hadding Scott with his beloved Swingline stapler.
Okay, believe it or not, Sally of all people wants me to try being conciliatory here on the off chance it will do some good and stop all the nonsense at a time when we really don't need it. I don't think this will work, but WTH? I'm willing to give it a shot.
"Hadding," I would like to take this opportunity to publicly apologize for stealing your Swingline stapler all those years ago. I know you loved that stapler and I was very unfeeling and inconsiderate to take it. If you will confirm your actual name (I'm 99% sure I know it, but just in case) and if you will send me your address I will buy you another Swingline and send it to you. Really.
-Harold A. Covington