Sunday, August 22, 2010

Columbo Asks A Few Questions

Ah, sorry to bother you Mr. Obama, Sir. . ...

Excuse me Mr. Obama, I mean President Obama, sir. Um . . I know you're busy, and important and stuff. I mean, running the country is very important and -- ah -- I hate to bother you, sir. I will only take a minute. Okay, sir?

See, I have these missing pieces that are holding me up, and I was wondering, sir, if you could take time out of your busy schedule and help me out. You know, no big deal, just some loose ends and things.

Hey, you have a nice place here! The wife sees houses like this on TV all the time and says, boy, she wishes she had digs like this, you know? Is that painting real? Really? Wow! I saw something like that in a museum once.

Oh, sorry sir. I didn't mean to get off the track.

So if you could just help me out a minute and give me some details, I will get right out of your way. I want to close this case and maybe take the wife to Coney Island or something. Ever been to Coney Island, sir? No? I didn't think so...

Well, listen, anyway, I can't seem to get some information I need to wrap this up. These things seem to either be "not released" or "not available." I'm sure it's just an oversight or glitch or something, so if you could you tell me where these things are? I have them written down here somewhere -- oh wait. I'll just read it to you.

Could you please help me find these things, sir?

Occidental College records -- not released

Columbia University records -- not released

Columbia thesis paper -- not available

Harvard University records -- not released

Selective Service registration -- not released

Medical records -- not released

Illinois State Senate schedule -- not available

Your Illinois State Senate records -- not available

Law practice client list -- not released

Certified copy of original birth certificate -- not released

Embossed, signed paper Certification of Live Birth -- not released

Record of your baptism as a Christian -- not available

Why your wife, Michelle, can no longer practice law as an attorney? (insurance fraud)

Why your wife has 26 assistants, when other First Ladies had one?

Why were you getting foreign student aid as a college student?

What country's passport did you have when you visited Pakistan in 1981?

Oh, and one more thing, Mr. President, I can't seem to find any articles you published as editor of the Harvard Law Review, or as a professor at the University of Chicago. Can you explain that to me, sir?

Oh, but hey -- listen! I know you're busy! If this is too much for you right now -- I mean -- tell you what. I'll come back tomorrow. Give you some time to get these things together, you know? I mean, I know you're busy. I'll just let myself out. I'll be back tomorrow. And the day after. . ...

What's that Mr. President? Who wants to know these things?

The people of the United States of America ! You know, the ones that were tricked into voting for you are are now filled with horror and disgust at how stupid they were.


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