Sunday, July 05, 2009

A Compendium of Michael Jackson Humor

[I'm sorry, but all this hysterical adoration of that androgynous freak is getting too much for me. Before I get complaints about being tasteless, these are by no means the worst. I actually removed about a dozen that were too raunchy even for my scatological sense of humor. - HAC]

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the New York Mets have in common?
A: They're both walking around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry your groceries in.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off.

Q: What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Get out of my sun.

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy.

Q: What's the title of Michael Jackson's new hit?
A: "I''m Forever Blowing Bubbles."

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson.

Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together?
A: Yeah, she's gonna do all the handicapping and he's gonna ride all the three-year-olds.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

Q: Why isn't all the controversy bothering Michael?
A: He doesn't mind reaching bottom.

Q: What's Michael's favorite Canadian TV show?
A: The Kids in the Hall.

Q: Who does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A: Two 5 year olds.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his.

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's toaster?
~The bread goes in brown, and comes out white.

What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
~Foreplay.

Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A: From a catalogue.

What does Michael Jackson reminisce about when he gets nostalgic?
~Blowing his first nose.

Q: What's the difference between Richard Pryor and Michael Jackson?
A: Richard Pryor got burnt on coke, Michael Jackson got burnt on Pepsi.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Michael said to Debbie one night, "I fancy some entertainment, what shall we do?" To which Debbie replied "I know, we'll get a video". Michael then said " Great, I'll get Aladdin!" Debbie said speedily "No Michael, you've been in trouble for that before."

`What's black and comes in little white cans?
~Michael Jackson`

What famous celebrity had the most children over the last 10 years?
~Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson had a boy. He also became a father.

He asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have sex.
The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years old.

What do Michael Jackson & Michael Jordan have in common?
~They both play ball in the Minor League.

What's the difference between them?
~One is in the Minors, the other is into minors.

Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties?
~He was up to a pack a day.

What happens when Michael talks about sex?
~It's all very tongue in cheek.

What does Michael have in common with NASA?
~It's been 25 years since his first moon landing.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make him a priest.

What will they call Michael's new TV series?
~Anus and Andy.

I understand that Michael decided to have a boy of his own because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop.

Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
~Fans get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

Why did Michael go to college?
~To get his Bachelor of Arse degree.

Why's Michael trying out for the NBA?
~He's a crack shooter.

Who's Michael Jackson's favorite poet?
~Emily Dick in son.

What does Michael call an orgy?
~A fruit salad.

What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist?
~A proctologist doesn't pay for the assholes he's poked around in.

Why doesn't Michael have orgasms?
~The big payoff comes a couple of months later.

Why has Michael been appearing on children's shows lately?
~He has a lot to plug.

Hear about the new "Michael Jackson" candy bar?
~It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts.

Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on child psychology:
"Spare the rod, and spoil the child."

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
~Got two fives for a ten?`

What is Michael Jackson's Alma Mater?
~Bring-em Young.

Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John?
~It is titled "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me."

What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
~Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Why does Michael really need to go to rehab?
~He's a crack addict.

What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme?
~"Little Boy Blew."

How did Michael get in trouble?
~He was feeling a little Randy.

How is Michael dealing with his problems?
~He's holding his own.

How are Michael's friends dealing with the problem?
~They're all standing behind him.

How did Michael actually proposition the little boy?
~It was just a slip of the tongue.

What's sex like for Michael?
~Child's play.

How is Michael now?
~Feeling a little crotchety.

Why does Michael like children so much?
~He knows how they feel.

How does Michael like to party?
~He sips a couple of tall boys.

What's Michael's favorite snack?
~Slim Jims.

What's Michael's favorite fast food?
~Big Boys.

How do we know Michael is guilty?
~Several children have fingered him.

Why is Michael so tough?
~He can lick any kid on the block.

What's the new movie about Michael Jackson called?
~"The Hand that Robs the Cradle."

What are Michael Jackson's favorite sayings?
1) There's a sucker born every minute.
2) Kids do the darndest things.
3) Tricks are for kids.

What's Michael's next movie?
~Honey I Blew the Kid.

[That's enough.]

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You started it now...

"Rumors have surfaced that Michael Jackson actually died after eating Chinese food. 'We don't understand it, cream of sum yung gai has never bothered him before,' said a spokesman."

Dave 07052009 / 1337

1:36 PM  
Blogger Ray Seltz said...

Excellent! A broad smile and chuckle to end my long week-end. Thanks!!!
By the way- way off subject but does anyone know why the Black's (of Stormfront fame), choose to live in the tony and VERY Jewish suburb of West Palm Beach??

2:56 PM  

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